UC’s Office of Physics Research announced on Tuesday that quantum physics researchers had made important progress toward understanding a series of wormhole-like anomalies that occurred on campus last year. The first occurrence, an apparently accidental byproduct of a highly-classified lab experiment, inexplicably swallowed up some items belonging to local amateur newspaper The News Record. The second time, which occurred under circumstances still sealed from the public, the portal produced UC’s most feared extra-dimensional villain: Bizarro Pinto. 

Recognizing the threat posed by these anomalies, faculty from the UC Physics Department began working to understand their origins – and how to stop them from happening again. “We believe we are on the brink of a major breakthrough in putting a stop to these wormhole anomalies,” said the Physics Department’s Dr. Paul Esposito in a statement to the press. “First we needed to understand how to replicate them. We have not experimentally verified our findings, but we feel very confident that we now have the correct calculations to bring forth another anomaly. The other faculty and I are now running the numbers to see if we can prevent it from happening, too.”

While it is unclear how long the remaining work will take, members of the campus community praised the professors for their commitment to this vital research effort. TNC will continue to follow their progress as more details are released.

When you picture a starving artist, you might envision a bohemian lifestyle, with minimal but fashionable furnishings. This isn’t the reality for a young group in the heart of campus however. 

The Skit Pit, Bearcast Media’s newest student comedy group, made its debut last August with the score-driven masterpiece “Wet Hands.” The co-creators, Kondor and Owen, seem to be putting everything into their craft, including their finances. After Owen’s tear-jerking single “Gotta Save The Planet, The Polar Bears are Dying” failed to become a commercial success, the group fell on hard times. Kondor reportedly sold his car, the rights to use his last name in any publication, and the hair color from the left side of his head, all in an effort to help fund the group's success. The most apparent sacrifice to keep the comedy flowing is the group’s living situation. As seen in many of their latest videos, Kondor and Owen seem to be living in one large cardboard box covered in graffiti.

If you want to help support Kondor, Owen, and the joyful cast of freshmen, consider checking out some of their videos including “Hot Car,” “Bike Mike,” and “Centrist Militia.”

When success is counted in milliseconds, every advantage matters. That's why when UC org Bearcat Motorsports learned of the upcoming total lunar eclipse, they put their nose to the grindstone trying to come up with ways to make the most of it.

Many ideas were proposed, including sabotaging other school’s eclipse glasses, blinding their competition, and paying UC’s spirituality club Shaman to imbue their car with special eclipse powers during the event. However, after much deliberation and elimination of offensive and unsportsmanlike ideas, the group was left with one to move forward with: Communal intercorse and ritualistic sacrifice and to the “Speed Demon.” This sacrifice involves stabbing a full set of Hoosier racing tires, in the throes of passion with multiple other team mates, while “Drive Angry” starring Nicholas Cage plays in the background, all during the solar eclipse.

This tactic was rumored to have been used in 2017, during the last eclipse. BCMS engineers have been eagerly digging through files trying to find an operation guide for the challenging task of “Communal intercorse,” as many are rumored to be inexperienced in the matter. TNC will follow BCMS season to see if this tactic yields results.

Dear TNC,

I’m writing to you to settle a debate I’ve been having with some of my coworkers. I know in my heart Cincinnati is supposed to be abbreviated to “Cinci,” but everyone I know makes fun of me because they think it should be “Cincy.” Can you shed some light on why they’re wrong?

-Chily Dog

Dear Chily Dog,

Thanks for writing in with your question! First of all, you’re wrong. The great legacy of Cincinnatus should never be diminished by abbreviating our city’s name. In fact, the only deviation that should be allowed is the spelling, “Cyncynatty,” which emphasizes how quirky we are without cutting down on length. Hopefully you can see where I’m coming from and acknowledge the superior and correct stylization of the name of our great city.

-Carlton