Dozens of student org leaders are outraged after finding out on Monday morning that the University Funding Board, responsible for approving all purchases made by every club on campus, has run out of money for the year. The students in charge of UC’s various clubs received an email from UFB simply saying that all remaining money had been allocated elsewhere. Where had the funds gone? Did the crypto club lose their lawsuit? Had CubeCats decided to build a space station? As it turned out, the money had been funneled to a more sinister cause: the demolition of Crosley Tower. Uncovered by a group of bored Finance Club members, the redistribution of wealth to Crosley’s demise was detailed in the minutes of a recent UC board meeting. According to the memo distributed to board members, UC’s administration has continued to struggle with the US Department of Defense’s requirements for a safe and secure Crosley demo. While a plan was published several months ago, it eventually fell through when none of the contractors to whom UC sent the proposal could perform the needed work on-budget. UC reportedly begged government officials to loosen the requirements or help cover costs, but were told that Crosley’s demolition was, “an optional undertaking that the federal government does not have a good reason to facilitate with taxpayer dollars.” When asked why the administration didn’t just find money elsewhere, university spokesperson M.B. Reilly responded, “we’ve already allocated money our most critical needs for the next 5 years – the new athletics complex is being built, Big 12 logos have been plastered on every blank wall we could find, and to-go boxes have been purchased to fend off the influx of new students who don’t have seating in the dining halls. Crosley, while extremely important, just didn’t make the cut for the kind of funding the DOD is forcing here.” University President Neville Pinto also stepped in to defend his decision to strip student org funding to balance the books. “While I understand some members of our Bearcats community may find this new direction confusing, it is important to understand that Crosley Tower has to go, and I will stop at nothing to ensure that this demolition moves forward.”

During a recent snow, an unidentified group of students came together to accomplish a remarkable feat of both teamwork and Bearcats pride. On Sigma-Sigma Commons, just east of Lindner, they used carefully-placed footsteps to write “PENIS” in the snow with each letter measuring nearly 20 feet tall. In order to commemorate this magnificent work of art, UC’s office of Planning, Design, & Construction announced Friday that it would construct a monument on the commons. The new installation, which broke ground this week, resembles two large granite eggs. According to drawings posted by UC PDC, the two round objects will be positioned a short distance apart, with the gap facing the famous Sigma-Sigma monument, a slender tower just across the commons. 

Architecture students have praised the design on Twitter, predicting that the alignment of the two structures will allow for, in the words of one commenter, “a sort of phallic Stonehenge, right here at UC.” Others went on to discuss the cultural significance of “both the shaft and the balls.” We at TNC are very excited for the new feature and look forward to its grand opening in March.

The need for the Bearcat Card student ID has long been accepted without scrutiny by students. However, many posts have been made in recent weeks asking if it is necessary to replace a lost card after your freshman year. Many cite the $35 fee for deactivating a lost card and getting a new one as a major hurdle for going through the process. Upperclassmen have commented that they rarely need to use their cards anymore beyond accessing buildings after hours.

When asked for comment, the director of public safety (issuer of student IDs) stated: 

“You know, I think if these kids saved their money instead of buying starbucks everyday, the $35 wouldn’t be a problem. These cards are necessary both for us as a reliable income source, and for student safety. Lord knows we wouldn’t want to accidentally [shoot] someone again.”

In a statement released later in the day, the Office of Public Safety stated that it would be repositioning resources to track down every student with a lost Bearcat card and charge them for a replacement, citing a regulation in the Student Code of Conduct. TNC will follow this story to report students' reactions to the new charges.

Campus govt elections have such low turnout that you and your friends could subvert democracy with a coordinated effort!

Do not ask what UC Alum Sigismund von Braun  was doing Oct. 1, 1939