In a press conference early this week, the Sustainability Office announced that UC would once again become a pioneer in college campus environmental efforts. The new project, dubbed “Roll Your Own Way” will see UC progressively cutting toilet paper budgets across campus over the coming semesters, until Fall of 2024 when they will reach zero. The President  of the Sustainability Office, Chuck DePlastic, had this to say: 

“We will truly become Tissue Trailblazers in the college sphere. By the start of the school year next year, UC will be purchasing the least single-use paper products in all of the Big 12 conference. The number of trees we will be saving will be incredible”

Students will instead be encouraged to employ their own ‘wiping solutions’ when on campus. The Sustainability Office provided members of the press samples of a bearcat embossed “reusable toilet cloth” which will be provided in a welcome kit to incoming freshmen next year. Toilet paper will be removed from buildings starting with least trafficked to most trafficked, with Blegen Library being the first on February 19th. TNC will follow to see if this practice becomes more widely adopted by other institutions in the area.

A disturbing new image has gone viral on campus this week, taken within Crosley Tower. It depicts what appears to be an occult ritual taking place in the tower’s famous “couch pit,” performed by a cloaked individual. The figure appears to be holding a fibrous, light-colored substance, which many have speculated to be asbestos. TNC investigated the mysterious photo and determined that on the night it was taken, the room containing the couch pit had been reserved by the Crosley Tower Defense Force.

In previous issues, TNC has covered CTDF’s commitment to defending the landmark “at all costs,” as well as the secret organization’s recent surge of activity. We interviewed local witchcraft expert Simon B. Scari in hopes of understanding just what CTDF might be up to. “We only have so much information to go on,” said Scari, “but this much is clear: if they’re performing dark arts with fibrous silicates, they want to meet Asbestos Man.” When asked why CTDF might be interested in summoning the prickly cryptid, Scari said, “with as much asbestos as CTDF has access to, there’s no telling how powerful that could make him. I guess it’s better to be on the good side of something like the Asbestos Man.”

In the past we’ve covered some of Asbestos Man’s exploits, including the complete destruction of a UC administrator’s car. It is unclear what he might be capable of after the CTDF’s activities are complete, but TNC will follow the situation closely in the coming weeks.

Campus has recently become inundated with flyers advertising the UC Furry Club. Said posters feature a drawn furry character and the provocative invitation, "You know you want to join the Furry Club." According to their CampusLink listing, the club is dedicated to the appreciation and celebration of anthropomorphic and anatomically correct animal characters. Past events have included "heavy petting" contests, a midnight campus "howl-a-thon," and "inner animal" Zootopia trivia games.

The club's listing states that it is open to all levels of "furry experience," promising "inclusiveness, lighthearted fun, and many UWUs." If you aren't new to the furry scene however, the club suggests you ask about the "Tails Attached" after-party, before the meeting starts.

The flyers posted by the organization unfortunately do not have the time and location of meetings listed, however they can be found every Monday at 6:00 pm in Lindner Hall 1115. 

Dear TNC,

Valentine’s day is overrated! The giant plushies, flowers, and balloons are cringy at best, and problematic at worst. Where are the gifts for men? This whole holiday sucks!

Sincerely,

Loveless Lucy

Dear Loveless,

Sounds like someone didn’t find a date this season! Valentine’s Day is a helpful reminder to some couples to take time to cherish one another. As a man myself, I find your views on gifts disheartening. I enjoy chocolates and colorful flowers as much as anyone. Perhaps change your bitter tone and maybe one day you too may have a boo of your own.