Last week, University of Cincinnati Campus Government brought articles of impeachment against notable Twitch streamer and part-time president Carol Emily. This comes after Carol Emily vetoed and tabled bills condemning all violence in the Palestine-Israeli conflict, as well as allegedly harassing other Campus Government staff. Carol Emily responded to these allegations publicly during her weekly Twitch stream:

“Honestly chat, I am pro-violence. I don’t care who dies, but its good for our economy right?  I mean look at how good we had it in the 50s. Prosperity, peace, and love everywhere after that one war. After war there's peace and money and shit.

Chat, all I did was call a few people betas and cucks, cause that's what they were. They needed to stay in their own lanes. They are calling me homophobic and comparing me to slave masters. Honestly chat, I have never said a gamer word in my life. There is no proof that I hate anyone. They have nothing on me chat, its all fake news”

TNC would like to note that individuals alleging the harassment are themselves minorities, people of color, and protected persons. TNC was also able to talk to one of Carol Emily’s supporters, and tier three twitch subscribers, P3gMiCE.

“Carol Emily is a perfect angel. She is a strong woman. I will actually fight anyone who says shes racist or homophobic. They are all just jealous and sexist. I’ve watched her for like 5 years I would know if shes racist”

The aforementioned articles of impeachment needed a two thirds majority vote from the Campus Government, which failed to pass. It is unknown at this time how the administration will proceed in their final nine weeks. TNC will continue to follow this story as it develops.

Recently we discussed the downfall of UC’s “Monster Factory,” an athletics program which used dark arts to produce better players for the Bearcats sports teams. Interviews with student athletes revealed that their involvement with a new religious organization near campus may have rendered the program ineffective. However, it was unclear who was behind the religious group until this week, when a records request uncovered Neville Pinto’s information on the Cross-Stream Church Company’s tax documents. The 501C3 application, which had been poorly written with a purple crayon, led UC Police to believe Bizarro Pinto had set up the organization using President Pinto’s identity in an effort to thwart the Bearcats’ success in the Big 12.

In a morning raid on the Cross-Stream Church Company’s house, UCPD captured Bizarro Pinto, who was found sleeping in a coffin in the basement. Neighbors told TNC they heard the interdimensional troublemaker shouting, “Let me talk to him, we can make a deal!” as he was being taken into custody.

It is unclear what will happen to the Cross-Stream Church Company, which appears to have been founded with the sole purpose of sabotaging UC by brainwashing athletes with pacifism and celibacy. TNC will continue to follow this story as it develops.

Earlier this month, the UC unveiled the results of one of their many monuments projects, the Commuter Student Lounge. What was previously a generic student study and hangout space on the 6th floor of the Steger Student Life Center, has been transformed into a lounge for students to study and hang out in.

Some of the many updates to the space include moving the microwave from the window to the counter, and rearranging furniture. The crown jewel of the new space is the sign above the cabinetry reading “Commuter Student Lounge.”

It is unfortunate, then, that the University-backed News Record did not believe the effort put forth by the administration deserved proper recognition. Soon after the unveiling, News Record published an affront to journalism by including a clearly photoshopped image of the sign in their article. As journalists, we at The News Cassette are disappointed that such a shotty work was published on their behalf.

• No amount of drinking will help you escape your midterms!

• Make sure to put your Qdoba order in by 11am to ensure you get it by dinnertime

• The weights in the Rec Center are free, you can take them home