Crosley Tower, an icon of the UC campus, recently had its fate sealed as demolition bids were submitted and preparations began. Many students are feeling great sorrow over the imminent loss of such a prominent fixture of the area. The largest organization on campus, Crosley Tower Appreciation Club, has gone so far as to plan hunger strikes, sit-ins, and methods for strategically harboring endangered plants and animals within the building, all in an effort to prevent its destruction. Despite these plans, preparations by officials continue. 

One notable step in these preparations has been the closing of the sixteenth floor of the tower. Students wishing to enter the area are greeted by a sign warning of asbestos. This sight did not seem to phase long-time fanatics of Crosley, who celebrate the famed “asbestos room” (found across from the Kroger labs on the lower floors of the building) as a sign that the building still contains large quantities of the harmful substance. However, many are beginning to speculate about the workers entering and leaving the site on the top floor. Among the construction workers, some individuals have been spotted leaving the area with pallets of unmarked steel crates. These individuals have been seen wearing patches bearing the insignia of the Crosley Tower Defense Force (CTDF).

CTDF, an underground organization created to protect the tower, made their first public statement in March 2022, soon after the Russian invasion of Ukraine. They stated the importance of Crosley and their intent to not let it fall victim to invasion. Notably, this was 8 months before the leaking of Operation Hidden Member: the cold-war era mission to hide nuclear armaments within city buildings, Crosley Tower included.

Many are beginning to speculate that the CTDF is working to reinforce its defensive position ahead of the coming struggle. Some have even proposed that the crates leaving the building contain asbestos from the remediation process, which our experts say has limited uses in the modern world. It appears that CTDF needs asbestos for something, but it is unclear what at this time. TNC will follow this story as it continues to develop.

This past election day many important issues were on the ballot for Ohio voters to decide on. One more seldom discussed among the decisive topics, was Issue 222.

Much like its sibling issue, Issue 2, Issue 222 aimed to regulate the substance diacetylmorphine at a level comparable to alcohol. Proponents of the issue hail this as a new form of tax revenue and state that the added regulation will eliminate black market for the substance. Studies cited by proponents show that the substance is less addictive than sugar which is already found in so many foods for all ages. 

Opponents primarily consist of individuals self-identifying as “health conscious.” Their primary talking point is that the name of the substance, “diacetylmorphine,'' is too hard to pronounce, and therefore has no rightful place in the human body. Many opponents cite the “six letter rule” which states that people should not put things in their body that contain more than six letters in their name.

TNC will follow this story as results from  the election are confirmed.

As the University cracks down on hazing within student organizations and Greek houses, the students in charge of these groups have begun trying to find new “traditions” to impose upon their pledges. The Triangle fraternity has announced a fun event for its new members: Nutless November. According to the engineering and business fraternity’s fliers, all members will be required to abstain from any forms of sexual activity for the month. “Besides,” says the flier, “you weren’t gonna be having sex anyway.”

Students from Triangle’s OSU chapter held a similar No Nut November event last year and reportedly experienced positive health changes as a result. A member of that chapter went on record about his journey:

A week in, I felt like I was becoming stronger than I’d ever been before. After two, it was like I could see through space and time. By the end of the month, I reached enlightenment and no longer felt compelled to address my bodily needs.

To keep the event fair, Triangle executive board members will be conducting weekly “penis inspections” on all participants. When asked if this could be considered hazing, an officer of the fraternity responded, “think of this as a health and safety check-in with our members– an encouragement to be their best selves.” While we at TNC are not quite sure what this means, we will follow up with the organization at the end of the month to see how many lawsuits have been filed.

• Be sure to hide your collection of stolen parking meters when the RAs come by to do room inspections

• Sad about UC’s crushing football losses this season? Have a drink at Keystone!

• UC parking garages are like banks: they can’t keep you from withdrawing your car.