The past two weeks of Bearcat football have been less than stellar, and UC fans aren’t afraid to voice their opinions. Many are calling for the removal of head coach Scott Satterfield, with one user on reddit saying, “we lost to those ascot-wearing no-good Oxford halfwits! Kick out Satterfield!” However, our investigation found that the team's problems go deeper than the head coach.

Last issue we discussed the “Monster Factory” hidden in the depths of the campus athletics complex. After a brave player anonymously came forward, we were able to gain more insight into the monster-making process, and why it may not hold the same power as before.

“The whole thing hurts a bunch, but coach says there is no victory without sacrifice. No pain no gain, you know? Well, people in dark robes tie you down to the weight bench and blind fold you. Then they cover you with baby oil and start chanting some nonsense about loyal children, strong towers, and prospering far and wide. Then they dunked me in Clifton sewer water. I know that smell anywhere. When they pulled me out, that's when the pain happened. It was so powerful, like another spirit was entering my body. Then my uniquely-crafted gold cross necklace started to burn me. It was like Jesus himself was protecting me from a dark power. The rest of the guys on the team felt the same way.”

We then asked the player how religion played a role on the team.

“Well it's super important. The guys and I have a great relationship with The Almighty. We all go to the Cross-Stream Church Company on Sunday and bible study Tuesdays. I don’t think I could perform without The Big Guy on my side.”

From this interview, we at TNC can all but confirm that The Monster Factory is indeed imbuing student athletes with unearthly powers using the dark arts. However, it appears the students’ strong religious ties are preventing these powers from manifesting. TNC will follow this story and report the impacts of the program as the season continues.

So far this year, complaints about student behavior are at an all-time high. Hundreds of mothers are flocking to UC Facebook parent groups to complain about the “unlivable conditions” their children are suffering in the dorms. One remarked, “There is a literal EDM rave happening in the bathroom at all hours, so my epileptic child can’t sleep, study, or use the potty without having a seizure. Disgraceful!”

While complaints are up, it appears conduct hearings have reached an all time low. One anonymous student posted on YikYak, “I skateboarded naked through Dabney holding a whiteclaw. I got ‘written up’ but I still haven't been punished. Ain't no laws when you're drinking Claws.” Many students are beginning to share this sentiment, realizing that there appear to be no consequences for their actions. After thorough investigation and speaking with an inside source, it appears that the former director, Wade the squirrel, escaped his cage in the conduct office one night. He was reportedly “tired of this nuts job” and wanted to branch out. It's no wonder why he hightailed it out of there.

According to the UC conduct website, Dean of Students Dr. Juan Guardia will serve as interim director, and conduct proceedings will be frozen until next semester when a replacement is found.

Dear TNC,

I’m a freshman this year and I was starting to enjoy the takeout containers but then UC replaced them with these annoying green Ozzi boxes. Before, I could get as many containers as I wanted by swiping back in and just throwing them away at my dorm. Now, people have no legal way of getting additional portions. In fact, I was walking on campus and someone mugged me just for my Ozzi token. Now I have to pay 5 bucks for a new one. As if that’s not bad enough, people keep bringing their dirty containers in and I’m worried it will contaminate everyone else’s food. Is there any way to bring the old boxes back?

Sincerely,

Starving  in Stratford

Dear Starving in Stratford,

Sorry to hear you got mugged for your Ozzi coin. In the future I would recommend buying an extra one (or 10) so you always have plenty of containers at your disposal. I predict that UC will give up on the new boxes once cost savings from not buying disposable containers intersect with those of buying more Ozzi containers to replace all the ones that break. In the meantime, try not to worry about cleanliness. The dining staff are equipped with UV scanner implants that show them in real time if a container is dirty. Any lazy students attempting to reuse dirty containers are executed on the spot. That said, if you are really passionate about the disposable boxes, there is a change.org petition going around to bring them back.

Amidst melodies,

Beneath the bench's embrace,

Courtyard's secret waits.