This past weekend the Bearcats football team brought home another impressive win, this time against the Pittsburgh Panthers. However, recent events have brought concerning evidence to light regarding just how we won these games.

Last month, TNC received a tip from a frightened student describing a ritual site hidden in the depths of the athletics complex. From the image above, provided by the students, it seems this ritual site, called the “MONSTER FACTORY,” is full of exotic fluids and equipment presumably used to exercise demons. Unfortunately, the brave students were unable to travel further into the monster factory, as they were chased out of the complex by a shadowy growling figure running on all fours. We thank them for their valiant effort.

In the intermeaning time, TNC acquired now redacted meeting minutes from the Aug. 29th board of trustees meeting, where UC President Pinto had this exchange with another member:

“I’m willing to do anything not to look like a fool for our first football season in the Big 12”

“Have you considered reopening the factory?”

“Are you mad? Do you remember what happened last time?”

“Yes, but it may be our only option”

“I’m afraid you might be right, I’ll see what I can do”

It’s clear to us at TNC that this monster factory is linked to the stunning performance of UC’s athletes. The first game of the season, the Bearcats dominated Eastern Kentucky so badly, one game-goer remarked, “that was so unmatched, it was like those monsters were kicking puppies.” However, it seems they are playing closer to the chest with their recent, more modest win. Regardless, it seems these so-called “monsters” lose their steam by the 4th quarter.

TNC is still investigating how this controversial program is administered. Are the players infused with monster powers? Are they monsters in disguise? We will continue to report as the season continues.

I’m Remy the rat, world-renowned chef and food critic, and I’ll be reviewing UC’s dining halls this year while I stay in Cincinnati. Lately I’ve been frequenting the newly-renovated MarketPointe, which was closed for construction earlier than originally planned due to a lot more of my rodent friends using their meal plans than usual.

Luckily, the new MarketPointe is more rat-friendly and boasts accessibility features that will make our lives easier. It’s a big improvement from 2019, when the health department cited them for an abundance of dead pests (a tragic story of malnourishment from poor food options). As a rat, I really enjoyed the grungy industrial aesthetic of the old dining center, but the modern furniture and wall art provides a nice spread of new things to chew on. I just wish they’d updated the kitchen, which is still adorned with the same ugly 1960s wall tiles as before. One thing I’ve noticed about the new MarketPointe is that they keep the water running 24/7 at the dish station, which makes a nice little water slide for me and my friends. They even stack the clean cups while they’re still wet! The microorganisms growing on the wet cups are one of my favorite midnight snacks.

As for the human food, it’s pretty good. I’m glad the fruit is still unwashed so the other rats and I have plenty of fresh bugs to munch on.

Overall, I give MarketPointe a score of 8.4 rats out of 10.

The University of Cincinnati’s “Joker Enthusiasts” club has long been a mainstay of campus, known to be a goofy and offbeat group of young men. However, the club is now under investigation after a terrorism scare on Wednesday morning.

In the late evening of Sept. 12th the group met as normal, according to the club president. It wasn’t until after the meeting that a more dedicated sect of the club went out for drinks, and they began trying to “out-Joker” one another.

“They normally do dumb stuff, like burning stacks of money, or taunting motorcyclists on Calhoun street to hit them. But nothing like this.”

In the early morning of Sept. 13th, a member of the club reportedly called in threat to bomb the John A. Roebling Suspension Bridge unless he was given $400,000. Police, fire, and the US Coast Guard rushed to the scene, securing perimeters, evacuating businesses, and sweeping the bridge. We at TNC thank them for their bravery. UC has suspended the club while an investigation takes place. TNC will follow this story as it progresses.

Have loud sex to assert dominance over your RA

University Health Services will give you a doctor’s note for being “too cool for school” if you ask nicely