Hello everyone, readers new and old. As  the editor-in-chief, I would like to welcome you to the third volume of The News Cassette. For those unfamiliar, TNC is an independent bi-weekly news organization that dares to report what our competitors won’t. I, along with some of my fellow Free American Raw Thinkers, continue to be upset that certain university sponsored news outlets keep feeding the student body half-baked and fluff journalism. We believe that the fine students of this university deserve real news from real people.

That is why I, along with a passionate team of investigative journalists, started The News Cassette. We aim to be an institution of trust and total honesty that the student body can depend on. In our last volume, we ran stories that really impacted everyday students, such as uncovering the secret nuclear missile hidden in Crosley Tower, and anti-homeless trucks.

If you enjoy the stories in today’s edition, the best thing you can do to support us is to share TNC with others and engage with us on social media. By helping us get the word out, you ensure a more thoroughly informed future for all of UC’s students.

Large numbers of incoming freshmen recently discovered the “service hours” contingency clause of their scholarships which states the following:

• 30 service hours must be completed between the fall and spring semesters of a given academic year.

• Max 10 hours can benefit UC students

• Services that benefit the UC board of trustees are double counted.

• Services performed in the summer do not count and are sent to the “shadow realm.”

• 1 hour must be reserved for arguing with the Cincinnatus office trying to prove you submitted all hours on time.

Fortunately for students, UC has started the “Night in Their Shoes” program, which allows students to experience homelessness on campus in exchange for service hours. Students may give up their dorm bed to another student for one week and instead experience the world renowned hostile architecture campus has to offer. TNC will track the popularity of this program for the coming months and report back.

This past week, President Pinto published an open letter to our community, highlighting his excitement regarding our collective student body reaching 50 thousand students. With these new record breaking numbers, a number of changes and additions have been made on campus to best accommodate our ever growing size. These include:

• To-go containers are being provided to encourage students to eat outside and not at dining halls.

• Arts and Sciences Hall is being converted into “The Big 12 Complex,” housing 8 corner offices for various coaches.

• Langsam Library features new study pods.

• New parking pass availability in the Newport on the Levee Garage, along with a shuttle route to campus running twice a day at 5am and 4pm.

TNC will closely follow how these really innovative changes impact quality of life on UC’s campus. 

Students who frequent the north side of campus have noticed that beloved Crosley Tower is home to a new feature: a grumpy security guard stationed on the 11th floor. Speculation among members of the Crosley Tower Appreciation Club (CTAC) is that the guard was stationed in the building due to a series of recent break-ins. However, some have noted the suspicious nature of their interactions with him, stating that they have been warned not to hang around Crosley unnecessarily.

In the past, we have reported on several strange phenomena at Crosley including the secret Kroger bioweapons lab and the hidden missile silo within the building’s core. However, TNC has obtained credible information that the threat facing Crosley Tower now is an even more concerning entity: the mysterious “Bizarro Pinto.” According to sources which have asked to remain anonymous, the break-ins at Crosley were perpetrated by a “purple man with a creepy laugh and a laser pointer.” 

TNC has consulted experts on the matter and believes that the figure is none other than UC President Neville Pinto’s slightly-worse extradimensional twin, who has been on the loose since January. It remains unclear what Bizarro Pinto is looking for in Crosley or the nature of the threat he may pose to campus, but TNC will keep the UC community updated as more information becomes available.