Last June, University President Neville Pinto announced his recommendation to discontinue the use of Charles McMicken’s name, “in all uses, effective immediately,” following a multi-year review of the slave-owning donor. Following the announcement, officials replaced all of the McMicken namesakes with catchier monikers like Arts & Sciences Hall, University Circle, and Bearcats Café. However, the survival of McMicken’s legacy was overlooked in one key place.

On Monday morning, TNC received an anonymous tip about the following phrase in UC’s Alma Mater:

“None nobler teachings did instill,

Than old McMicken on the hill,”

The tip also explained that the printed text of “Alma Mater,” containing the still-unchanged line, was installed as part of a decoration on every floor of newly-renovated Calhoun Hall. Our investigation over the following days revealed that the claim was correct and that no one else seems to have noticed the gross oversight in the nearly eight months since Pinto’s McMicken letter. Further, someone made the choice to incorporate this mistake into the design of around a dozen decorative signs for the grand reopening of UC’s largest dorm. 

The TNC team spoke with several experts who speculate that the issue’s lack of attention can be attributed to the irrelevance of UC’s Alma Mater itself. “We’re talking about a song that only boomers and band kids even really pay attention to,” said one. Despite this, all agreed that allowing McMicken’s legacy to live on through the song is a step in the wrong direction for a university working toward equity and inclusion. “Maybe it was genuinely forgotten about. Maybe someone entrenched in their position was opposed to changing something they viewed as an important tradition. Either way, it’s not a good look.”

At the time of publishing, the University has not responded to a request for comment.

Starting next Fall, the Department of Public Safety announced they would be bolstering UC’s lineup of late night shuttle offerings to meet increasing post-COVID demand. 

The NightRide project started in 2012, evolving from the student organization “NightWalk,” aiming to provide students convenient and safe methods of returning home safe after consuming large quantities of alcohol. Originally operating as a point-to-point taxi service within a 1-mile radius of campus, NightRide evolved once more at the start of the pandemic, becoming an extension of the scheduled UC shuttle service. With the return of late-night student activity off campus, the Department of Public Safety decided to take a new approach to local transportation. 

UC Public Safety will be partnering with the local trash collection company, Rumpke, in extending NightRide options. Students will reportedly be able to flag down local garbage trucks between the hours of 2am and 6am, and join them on their route until inevitably reaching the intended destination. This time slot fills a notable gap in the UC shuttle service and NightRide’s offerings, allowing students to get safe transportation at any time of night. 

When asked about the reliability of this service versus current offerings, the Department of Public Safety replied with the following:

Many of our students will attest that the Rumpke garbage trucks consistently roll through campus in the early hours of every morning. They tend to be so reliable that many students use their signature mechanical screech, which can be heard throughout campus, as an alarm clock.

TNC will keep an eye on this program to track its impact on the campus community.

Last Spring we reported sightings of a strange beast covered in long yellow hair, wandering campus. Since then the beast has purportedly been spotted several times by students, and has earned the nick-name “Asbestos Man.” Given his non-confrontational nature, it was unknown if Asbestos Man was friend, foe, or just a lost engineering student.

Just last week, however, more substantial evidence of his existence and intentions came to light, as Asbestos Man was photographed jumping on top of and smashing the vehicle of Vice Provost for Enrollment Management Jack Miner. It is still unknown what provoked the violent outburst from the usually docile creature, however local cryptid experts note that he may have felt threatened with the large influx of students being accepted to UC and encroaching on his habitat, hence the targeted attack on the Vice Provost.

With the recent unrest amongst students regarding housing availability, many are rallying behind Asbestos Man and sharing his pain. One student remarked on social media, “he is our voice, our manifestation, he is… Asbestos Man.” TNC will continue coverage of Asbestos Man sightings in the months ahead.

Dear TNC,

In my two years as a UC student, I’ve never encountered something I hated more than the metal staircase outside of Zimmer Hall. When it rains the steps are dangerously slippery and their design just doesn’t make sense. Why are the Zimmer stairs so terrible, and is there anything that can be done to fix it?

Sincerely,

Slippin’ Jimmy

Dear Slippin’ Jimmy,

Thanks for writing! To jump right in, I agree with your concerns about that staircase. I don’t know why they were designed so poorly, but it’s a shame there aren’t any other stairs or elevators that one could use instead. While I’m sure some people in your position would just opt to break out a wrench and start disassembling it like an unwanted Erector set, I would suggest writing to your senator about having that monstrosity fixed or even removed entirely.