In the latest move by university officials, a press briefing was held on Monday to announce the establishment of a new school at UC, the College of Claw.

This comes in response to rising dropout rates among new students, especially as local bars have become more attractive. The college aims to provide students who would otherwise leave the university an option to pursue “less intellectually challenging” majors. Some proposed courses include “How to Tie Your Shoes,” (SHOE 2450) “Restarting the WiFi Router,” (TECH 4005) and “Coloring Within the Lines” (ART 1043). Course fees in the college will reportedly follow those of students’ original tuition cohorts,  keeping the university on track to meet income projections for the coming years.

Most of the classes are expected to be held in the old College of Law building on the corner of Calhoun St and Clifton Ave. UC has already begun rebranding the building, as seen below.

Students wishing to transfer to the new college should  contact UC OneStop or their current Lindner College of Business advisor.

In September, TNC reported on the accidental opening of a wormhole in one of UC’s research labs. At the time, the investigation was sealed from the public and the researchers involved were placed in off-site quarantine by the government.

This week, there was a shocking new development to this story: the wormhole reopened, and it spat something out. While the reason for the new anomaly is officially unknown, members of the community were quick to speculate that the Department of Defense, which operates several projects at UC, forced the researchers to replicate their experiment. Initially hesitant to acknowledge the situation, university officials confirmed that a “portal-like energy field” appeared in the lab for approximately 12 seconds and that a humanoid life form used it to enter our dimension. Witnesses interviewed by TNC identified the figure as University President Neville Pinto, but described him as, “purple with a weird mustache, almost like some kind of bizarro Pinto.” 

After emerging from the wormhole, the mysterious entity reportedly stole a laser pointer and shouted, “you’ll never join the Big 12” before running out of the building. 

According to local law enforcement agencies, Bizarro Pinto is still at large. An anonymous tip line has been set up, and anyone with information about the matter is encouraged to call (513)556-3171. 

Dear TNC,

As a freshman this year, I was shocked to see the average parking pass for a lot here costs upwards of $200, and parking at meters all semester would be just as expensive. Should I risk parking on open streets to avoid these costs?

Sincerely,

Parkalot

Dear Parkalot,

First off, I thank you for exercising your right as a freshman to park your car and leave it dormant on campus. It is a privilege not all freshmen get. Secondly, I couldn’t agree with you more about these outrageous prices. Not that I could condone it, but one of our peers did the Lord's work and totally and utterly demolished a parking meter outside Daniels Hall. Unfortunately, much like a hydra, Parking Services swooped in to remove the slain parking meter and installed two in its place.

An army of snowmen, built with care

Marching across the college square

Their coal eyes gleaming, their carrot noses bright

They take the campus by storm, a snowy sight

With frosty breath and icy hearts

They take control of every part

The library, the dorms, the quad so green

All now belong to the snowmen's dream

The students flee in fear and dread

As the snowmen raise their frosty heads

But one brave soul, with a snowball in hand

Stands up to the horde, takes a stand

A battle fierce, a battle true

But in the end, the snowmen grew

Tired and melted, they fade away

Leaving the campus in the warmth of day

But the memory of their icy reign

Lives on, in the hearts and minds of the students' pain

For though they're gone, they will not be forgot

The army of snowmen, who once fought.