This past Sunday evening, those who found themselves in the Center Court dining hall noticed several changes, including an unfinished white paint job on some of the walls. One person commented, “it looks like one of my dad’s home improvements after one too many Natties.”

However, the discussion didn’t end there. One group found issues with dietary changes made in the dining hall over break: notably, the addition of soy milk. One parent online, going by the name “Barak-insane-Obomb-no,” posted their perspective to the Conservative University of Cincinnati Knowledge telegram channel:

It just aint right, they FORCE feeding the kids soy milk. Though Im not suprised, its all apart of THE AGENDA to turn our proud Americn MEN into WOMEN. I’ll tell you this, if my BOY drinks SOY, and he starts voting for the demo-CRAZYS, I’ll know it was because of this liberal brainwashing.

Following this and several other posts about milk's importance to gender roles, the following image depicting androgynous dining hall workers began circulating online. The office of Dining Services did not respond to TNC’s request for comment.

After two years of construction, Calhoun Hall opened its doors to residents this past weekend. The occasion was kicked off with a ribbon-cutting ceremony by President Pinto. The event was cut short, however, when a gang of large migrating cockroaches stole the ceremonial scissors and disappeared under the nearest refrigerator. Student entomologists who witnessed the spectacle suspect this was done to mark territory, as they were driven from their homes during construction.

That evening, residents quickly found out that their beds were permanently attached as bunks. One couple, in an act of desperation and defiance, attempted to have physical relations on a top bunk, causing the bed to tip over and crash into the opposite wall of the room. Thankfully no one was injured, but university officials are investigating the incident as the Student Code of Conduct specifically prohibits sexual intercourse on loft and bunk beds.

Several notable additions to Calhoun Hall were also made, including the removal of all physical elevator buttons in favor of an iPad, and floor-to-ceiling shower stalls in the communal bathrooms.

When asked about the new elevator system, Pinto remarked, “If next is to truly live here, our students should have the latest technology.” However, resident assistants in Calhoun expressed concerns about the durability of the iPad-style controllers. “These screens are gonna get bearcat busted and then people will be stuck in the elevator.”

The spacious floor-to-ceiling showers were reportedly built at the request of the Student Wellness Center, which provided the following statement:

With the very communal nature of campus housing, it can be hard for students to find private places to develop their sexual relationships. We wanted to advocate for more sex-positive spaces, and private showers meet this need perfectly.

These showers will reportedly be stocked with condoms, dental dams, and lubricant from the Wellness Center.

Last fall, the University Gate entrance sign facing the intersection of Jefferson and W University was badly damaged in a car accident. After a large SUV rammed straight into the stone wall and dislodged the massive blocks, university officials made the decision to completely demolish the popular landscape feature.

A full year later, work commenced on the sign’s reconstruction. Designed by a DAAP student, the modernized version is being built via the collaborative effort of 16 campus departments. Like many of the neighborhoods surrounding UC, the new sign looks the same as before, just whiter.

As we covered in October, Calhoun Hall’s previous brown brick exterior was replaced with a bright white facade, a theme found in several of the university’s recent construction and renovation projects. A professor from UC’s school of architecture, who asked to remain anonymous, told TNC that the institution’s latest design style is primarily intended to appear more modern, but may carry undertones of white supremacy.

Time will tell if UC adopts more colorful designs on campus to reflect the diversity of its student body.

• Winter is here! Remember to account for shrinkage when measuring.

• Make sure to raise your thermostats to put as much stress on the power grid as possible.

• A popular Cincinnati tradition is licking the road salt for good luck.